"We actively care about the safety of ourselves, one another, and the public. Success is safely achieving our mission--with all of us returning home every day."
This is the saying within the USDA Forest Service Safety group. I'm a little uncertain if this is a mission statement, guiding principle, or perhaps a parable for the Forest Service employees.
So. That seems to be a little wordy, and redundant, saying something with a few too many words.
Let's start with the first three words. "We actively care". Is not care an active verb already? Could the sentence start simply "We care"?
Now, skip over a few words and let's think about the phrases "ourselves, one another, and the public". Am I missing something? This seems to cover a one word term--everybody. Could the number of people cared for just be rolled into one word?
The first sentence could then be reduced, with no loss of meaning to "We care about the safety of everyone". Not cumbersome. Not convoluted. Just the facts.
The second sentence: "Success is safely achieving our mission--with all of us returning home every day". The question becomes what happens if somebody doesn't return home some day? Has the success of the mission failed? What if they spend the night out in the woods, camping? Or they are at a conference and spend the night in a motel? Has the success of the mission been compromised? I don't think so.
What if the second sentence was truncated to: "Success is safely achieving our mission". It doesn't matter where the person spends the night. The mission is deemed successful if it is accomplished safely, regardless of where the person spends the night.
Here's the complete safety message,, but reduced of superfluous, redundant, unnecessary verbiage:
"We care about the safety of everyone. Success is safely achieving our mission"
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